Written and Edited - April 23rd, 2017 - 7:10 p.m. to 7:20 p.m.
Edited - June 13th, 2017 1:39 pm to 2:21 pm
Big Words
After November 3rd, I heard a lot of words the people were saying around me. People were saying things like the CWP 5 were martyrs, they were murdered, assassinated. There were a lot of big ideas which I believed and agreed with and thought about but I didn't completely understand or at least understand a lot. So people around me were saying those things about what happened to the CWP 5. And I repeated that some. I think I repeated that some periodically to people.
But there were two situations that stand out in my mind when I talked to peers or people about my own age who weren't involved with what happened on November 3rd, at least not directly.
One time I think it was a about two years after November 3rd, and I was about 12 or 13 years old. I went to a park with 2 of my cousins while adults had gotten together among themselves. I don't remember if they sent us away. It might have been something like the adults said why don't you go to the park or something like that.
So my cousins and I were at a park. I think it was New Jersey. We were talking about November 3rd and I told my cousin who was about a year younger than I am the same things that I heard that I didn't understand but agreed with like the CWP 5 were murdered.
I remember talking with passion as I'd always done and I'd heard other people or felt like I heard other people say with sincere feelings.
Because I think the feelings were real confusing, a mixture of confusion, anger, hatred etc.
I don't remember my cousins response. I think my cousin's response was somewhat neutral in terms of not receiving me in a strongly extra positive or negative space.
But I think he received me actually maybe with some positive validation and or acknowledgment. Over the years I have thought that I felt kind of bad even though I didn't feel like I didn't do anything bad or wrong. I felt kind of bad that I was talking to him that way.
So decades later, maybe around his or his brother's wedding or it's somehow when I was talking with him again I had mentioned I didn't plan on it but I had mentioned that experience and that I apologize for expressing myself in a strong way the way I felt I did. But without missing a beat he said something like that's fine or don't worry about it or I understand.
Another time when I was in the seventh grade, at Aycock Junior High school which was within a year of 1979 on November 3rd, I have a vague memory of sitting on the steps outside the library talking to a schoolmate.
Somehow we talked about November 3rd and I said the same things that the CWP were murdered, assassinated and martyrs etc. And I said it with passion. I don't remember my schoolmate's response. I think his response was somewhat neutral. It wasn't positive or supportive. But it also wasn't harmful or attacking me.
I don't know what he was thinking or feeling at the time. I think both of us were just doing the best we could to process the experience and information at the time.
I wonder how those experiences have impacted my cousins and schoolmate, consciously and subconsciously since those interactions. I feel like they probably don't even remember the conversation consciously. But, I think everything impacts our lives. I just wonder how they relate to that conversation currently and throughout their lives.