© April 5th, 2017 3:26 pm - 4:10 pm
Family of outbursts - There was a time when my father went out of town for some reason and my sister took care of me, like cooking dinner. I was about in the 8th or 9th grade and she was in high school. At some point, she said she was going to cook me my favorite food. That made me very happy. I was in a happy place. But for some reason, even though I was thinking thank you that makes me happy, I called her a bitch. I had never called her that before and I haven't done that since. I was very aware that she made me both happy and I called her a derogatory name. I don't know why I did that. It was like an out of body experience in my mind and body. I'm sorry Tonie.
Another time, my mother and I were at a cousins wedding. I think that I was in my 20's or 30's. My mother took my glasses. I have always been very protective of my glasses. It has to do with my processing and I can clarify some, but hard to verbalize everything at this point. As soon as I realized that my mother took and hid my glasses I asked for them back at least a few times. But she wouldn't give them back to me. I became very angry and I said, "I'm glad that the Klan killed your husband.". Just like other times, I was very aware at what I was saying. In this case, I used the words strategically. Even though I was aware of what I was saying, it was like I was possessed by a spirit or had to ride a physical wave. I was aware, but I didn't have any control of my mind. It's like my mind had a mind of its own. I was so mad that my body followed my mind as I stormed out of the wedding. I might have even put my life at risk around cars and an environment that I didn't know. I was immersed in my emotions or feelings.
At some point, my mother and I think a few other people came to find me. I don't remember all of the details of the transition. But I think that somehow, I was able to communicate where I was coming from with my mother regarding that experience. My mother told me that she was missing her cousin Barry and felt like hiding my glasses was a silly prank that's something that Barry would have done.
The incidents with my sister at our house and my mother at the wedding happened about about 30 years and and at least 10 years before I was diagnosed with Non- Verbal Learning Disability and Autism. So, the diagnoses have brought a little more understanding of myself and in the context of my relationships. And I can continue to explore those diagnoses and see how they relate to me and my life. And, fortunately, I have good relationships with my mother and sister. There was another time that I took something of my sister's and tore it up. I think that I was about 7 years old. I don't know or remember why. I think that my sister asked me if I did it and I denied it. My mother asked me about it in my sister's presence. I think that I denied it for a while, but finally admitted it or acknowledged that I did it. The way I remember is that my sister's paper was torn in a way that was likely by a person. I might have tried to blame the cat. So, I have some more insight now. And fortunately, I have a good relationship with my sister and mother. But another dynamic of my life is that I'm Jewish. And Jewish guilt comes quickly. I feel very bad about my outbursts with loved ones. The ones that I mentioned, were some that I remember. I have a reputation for having alot of temper tantrums when I was a small child. It would be interesting to get perspectives from people who know me including, parents, teachers, and others.
So to my mother, sister and everyone who I've hurt, I'm so sorry. Even though my mother is so forgiving, I feel so bad for what I said at my cousin's wedding. Even though I know my mother didn't have any bad intentions. In fact, she wanted to lighten things up. I think the thing that was most helpful was to be able to understand each other in relation to that experience. Then we could move forward understanding and respecting each other's perspectives and act accordingly.
Another Version?
April 5th, 2017 3:26 pm - 4:10 pm -
Family of outbursts - There was a time when my father went out of town for some reason and my sister took care of me, like cooking dinner. I was about in the 8th or 9th grade and she was in high school. At some point, she said she was going to cook me my favorite food. That made me very happy. I was in a happy place. But for some reason, even though I was thinking thank you that makes me happy, I called her a bitch. I had never called her that before and I haven't done that since. I was very aware that she made me both happy and I called her a derogatory name. I don't know why I did that. It was like an out of body experience in my mind and body. I'm sorry Tonie.
Another time, my mother and I were at a cousins wedding. I think that I was in my 20's or 30's. My mother took my glasses. I have always been very protective of my glasses. It has to do with my processing and I can clarify some, but hard to verbalize everything at this point. As soon as I realized that my mother took and hid my glasses I asked for them back at least a few times. But she wouldn't give them back to me. I became very angry and I said, "I'm glad that the Klan killed your husband.". Just like other times, I was very aware at what I was saying. In this case, I used the words strategically. Even though I was aware of what I was saying, it was like I was possessed by a spirit or had to ride a physical wave. I was aware, but I didn't have any control of my mind. It's like my mind had a mind of its own. I was so mad that my body followed my mind as I stormed out of the wedding. I might have even put my life at risk around cars and an environment that I didn't know. I was immersed in my emotions or feelings.
At some point, my mother and I think a few other people came to find me. I don't remember all of the details of the transition. But I think that somehow, I was able to communicate where I was coming from with my mother regarding that experience. My mother told me that she was missing her cousin Barry and felt like hiding my glasses was a silly prank that's something that Barry would have done.
The incidents with my sister at our house and my mother at the wedding happened about about 30 years and and at least 10 years before I was diagnosed with Non- Verbal Learning Disability and Autism. So, the diagnoses have brought a little more understanding of myself and in the context of my relationships. And I can continue to explore those diagnoses and see how they relate to me and my life. And, fortunately, I have good relationships with my mother and sister. There was another time that I took something of my sister's and tore it up. I don't know or remember why. I think that my sister asked me if I did it and I denied it. My mother asked me about it in my sister's presence. I think that I denied it for a while, but finally admitted it or acknowledged that I did it. The way I remember is that my sister's paper was torn in a way that was likely by a human. I might have tried to blame the cat. So, I have some more insight now. And fortunately, I have a good relationship with my sister and mother. But another dynamic of my life is that I'm Jewish. And Jewish guilt comes quickly. I feel very bad about my outbursts with loved ones. The ones that I mentioned, were some that I remember. I have a reputation for having alot of temper tantrums when I was a small child. It would be interesting to get perspectives from people who know me including, parents, teachers, and others.
So to my mother, sister and everyone who I've hurt, I'm so sorry. Even though my mother is so forgiving, I feel so bad for what I said at my cousin's wedding. Even though I know my mother didn't have any bad intentions. In fact, she wanted to lighten things up. I think the thing that was most helpful was to be able to understand each other in relation to that experience. Then we could move forward understanding and respecting each other's perspectives and act accordingly.