Written and edited - June 9th, 2017 - 1:17 p.m. to 1:54 p.m.
Edited - June 16th, 2017 - 1:29 pm to 1:52 pm
Edited - 8:30 pm to 8:31 pm
Getting Separated But Not Being Not Getting Dumped
So I really thought that I was ready to settle down with her. Because we were engaged and we had thoughtful interactions that led us that way. I lived with her for a period of time. I spent most of my time over at her place and was ready to move in more permanently so that we can be on our way to being engaged and then eventually married.
I really did think that I was ready to move in and get married. But for some reason there came a point where I was going to really make it official and move in permanently with her.
So I was extremely nervous and anxious, and my stomach was turning. My heart was probably beating fast. I kind of looked at the bigger picture or something and I don't know what I was going to say or do and how I was going to say or do it. My being wasn't at a conscious level at that point.
I told her that I'm sorry, I really thought that I was ready to move in, but I'm not.
The best I remember is I told her that I'm not ready to move in. I think we had a heated argument.
A little later, I found myself walking and driving off. I might have had a level of understanding that I needed to leave for awhile. I don't remember how clear my thinking was. Maybe there was a general feeling that I needed to step away, gain clarity, and I'll figure out what makes sense later after I clear my head.
So, I drove away having strong and confusing feelings. But after a while, maybe about an hour or so, I think I found more clarity in my mind.
So I drive back to the apartment complex to explore my complex feelings with my beloved.
And I psyched myself up to receive my clothes tossed angrily in one of the community dumpsters. Because I knew that she was going to do that and I needed to provide myself with that mental transition. And I could understand her perspective for throwing my clothes away.
Well, I came back nervously but thinking that even though I'm nervous, I think I can talk with her and reduce my anxiety. And maybe if we talk, we can both come out better on the other side.
So we started talking and I think my anxiety reduced the more we talked. I think I greeted her on the steps outside of her apartment and we eventually found ourselves inside.
At one point, I saw my clothes neatly folded on the side. I was blown away. She not only didn't throw my clothes out, but she folded them neatly with care. And I think that with either one of us could have shifted the energy, spirit from a negative to a positive one. But both of us shifted the energy and spirit which magnified the situation to a much more positive place.
I asked her about her perspective years later. I appreciate your folding my clothes so neatly but I wonder why you did it.
She said because she loved me or cared about me.
So I think the folded clothes eased my anxiety even more so. I think we had a thoughtful conversation. And I think at some point during that interaction, I told her that I had an expression in a poem or song that I had about her and for her that I could share. But as soon as I told her that, I became even more nervous.
But she said she wanted to hear the expression. I don't know if I had written it during my absence from her on the drive and/or written it other times.
We left that romantic relationship on good terms. We've had a mixed relationship at different times. But we seem to have remained good friends and I appreciate my relationship with her and her family.
She has gotten married and has had a child since then. It seems like she's happy and in her element. I'm glad she's in the place she is and that she's hap