Written and Edited - June 28th, 2017 - 1:30 pm to 2:32 pm
Edited - July 9th, 2017 - 12:21 pm to 12:50 pm
Gun Shy
I have a vague memory of the 1st and only time I shot a gun. Even writing about it now, is a trigger and makes me feel yucky or awful, violated and other terrible feelings. But, I believe that the expression the Truth will set you free is true. And the Truth gets me closer to reclaiming my whole self.
I was trying to remember as many details as possible. So I found myself asking my mother what she remembered. I think it was during parts of the public parts of the Greensboro Truth and Reconciliation Commission process. My mother and I were in one of Spoma's classes. I think it was in the context of a conversation about November 3rd.
Even though I wanted to know as many details as possible, I asked my mother if she remembered the timing. Ma, do you remember the time I shot a gun? Was it before or after November 3rd? I specifically or strategically framed it more general because I didn't want to interject my memory because it might taint or effect her thoughts or memory. And my memory might not be accurate.
My mother shared a few details with me which I don't remember. But I do remember that she recalled it was before November 3rd and gave compelling information that seemed to verify that fact.
That fact stands out to me because for some reason the timing in my mind is after November 3rd as a defense strategy because we were attacked.
I appreciate everyone's perspective, especially my mother's.
And when I had another chance to get another perspective I took it.
The Cypress Street house was on a tour because of it's Historical designation as a house and in the neighborhood. Both the house and neighborhood were designated historically for different reasons.
The house was designated historically partially because of our experiences and partially because of former owners being a mill manager. That's another story which I might share later.
While I'd anxiously and nervously planned to be on that tour, I didn't anticipate running into a former neighbor during that time on the neighborhood housing tour.
So it was a nice surprise to run into Charles Newell and review parts of our journeys relevant to mutual experiences including November 3rd.
We ended up talking for about an hour or so after the tour. I asked him if he remembered anything about me going to practice shooting, if the timing was before or after November 3rd.
He said that he remembered it as being before November 3rd. I might have asked him how sure he was. He went on to say that he remembered the timing that way because he remembered finding a gun in his house, maybe on a mantle around his fireplace. He asked Jim Waller about it because of Jim's knowledge level about guns. Charles said that Jim was able to answer some of his questions about the gun.
So it seems like my mother and former neighbor were about as equally as sure that the timing was before November 3rd as I was that it was afterwards. And I just want the whole and complete Truth. What was the timing of my shooting a gun? How old was I? I think I was between about 10 and 12 years old. How did that conversation go? What was I thinking and feeling? What were others thinking and feeling? Who did I go with? Where did we go? What led the other people to go and why? Anything else that comes to our hearts and minds.
The best of my memory is vague about alot of details. But here's what I do remember.
I'm imagining now that a few people were going, mentioned it to me and I got talked into going to practice shooting a gun. I don't remember how curious or hesitant I was at the time.
The way I remember is that I went with about 3 or 4 adults. I think my mother went with us.
We went to a wooded area. Someone showed me the cans or something sitting there to shoot. And they showed me a gun and talked to me about how to look through the gun and shoot. So I was focused on looking at lining up the site with what I was going to shoot. Looking back, in order to shoot accurately, I had to be the most narrowly focused on one thing. That's a teaching that tells me that we need to do the opposite of that, which is looking at the big picture with all of the pieces from all perspectives.
I don't remember how nervous or anxious I was. I think I was very nervous.
I think I was very hesitant to shoot but one or more person talked me through it.
So after my nerves got calm enough or at least reduced, I pulled the trigger.
When I pulled the trigger, even though they said it was a smaller gun, I felt the gun kick back and knock me back, which surprised me. I don't remember anyone talking about the gun kicking back. Or if someone mentioned about the gun kicking back I didn't remember or understand at the time.
Right after I shot the gun and felt it kick back and knock me back, that was way too much for me. Looking back now, June 28th, 2017 at 2:19 pm, I wonder how the loud sound of the shot effected my thoughts and feelings at the time.
So I said that I didn't want to shoot anymore. I don't know how much it was because I was scared, needed transition to understand more and/or other things.
I just knew that I had a strong feeling that I didn't want to shoot anymore.
And people that I was there with honored my thoughts and feelings immediately. Some of them might have talked to me a little about continuing but not persisting too much.
So I stopped and the first shot was my last and only shot.
I think I might have watched a few other people shooting the targets before we left.
I hate guns with a passion. It brings up a lot of feelings. So I want to get to the roots of experiences to understand them so we can do things differently..
The United States was founded by guns. The genocide of Native Americans, dragging Africans to the United States, police wearing guns on their hips like in the old West and violence in all of it's forms which are toxic to our humanity. We call guns arms and express violence in many forms, culturally and systemically, as if it's a natural way of being. Which I've been and I think we've all been and continue to be as parts of a culture which creates harmful systems and ways of being.
When we get to the roots of understanding we can do things differently.
It kills me to focus on guns and violence. But it helps that I'm exploring them in the context of healing. That's where we are in the context of the current times and culture. I'm so thankful for people and beings that brought us to this point. And hopefully, we'll continue to gain insight that we can reference that will enhance all of our well beings.