2 min read
03 Dec
03Dec

Edited - June 6th, 2017 - 1:21 pm to 1:43 pm

Home is Where the Stability is

Right after November 3rd I couldn't imagine being away from my mother.  While I continued to visit and see my father and I really appreciated that because of joint custody, I couldn't imagine being away from my mother at all.  Maybe it was a strong combination of me wanting my mommy and a level of protection for her.  Because those were precarious times, especially right afterwards.  We didn't know if there were safety concerns and then we were dealing with media and legal concerns. We just dealt with our feelings the best way that we could at the time.

The way I remember it is that I had a conversation with my father in December of 1980.  My father, sister, and I were celebrating Christmas, opening presents.

My father asked me how I was doing.  I don't remember the details exactly but the best that I can remember is that we were celebrating Christmas opening

presents and my father asked me how I was doing.  Looking back it seems like he must have noticed my demeanor.

So we got to talking in some detail. And while I don't remember the exact words of our conversation I think I remember the gist of it.  It was probably something to the effect that I just felt overwhelmed at the events happening at the Cypress Street house at the time.  Our house was busy with activities supporting us legally and in the media.  But there were also other perspectives around the legal and media areas.  I was around that orbit and felt it around me with limited understanding from my life at that point.

So after a thoughtful conversation, my father and I agreed that I would move in with him and my sister.  He asked me if I could wait until the end of the school year for a smoother transition.  And I said yes.  Also, during the conversation the word nurturing came up which was new to me at the time.  I think that my father and/or some people said it sounded like I wasn't getting nurtured enough.  I asked him or them what the word nurturing means and they told me it means to be cared for.

So, since I said that I could wait until the end of the school year, my father asked me to not say anything to my mother until the end of the school year because it would upset her.  So I agreed to wait to tell my mother until the end of the school year that I was planning to move in with my father and sister before the beginning of the next school year.

But for those six months it killed me because I had conflicting feelings.  I understood on the one hand what my father meant and I saw that perspective and agreed with it.  But I also felt bad that I was keeping this big secret from my mother.

And when the time came I told my mother.  Her response became more clear one day when she took me to another house several miles from the Cypress Street  house that she had rented.

I don't remember that conversation very well either but I think the gist of it was that we both expressed our perspectives, thoughts and feelings.  I said that it's just too much to live at Cypress Street with everything going on and I just have to move in with my father and sister.  And she probably explained that she understood to some extent and that's why she rented another house.  And I could understand my mother's perspective listening to her.  But as much as I wanted to and needed to live with my mother right after November 3rd the media and the legal stuff was just too much for me to deal with at that point.

So  I think that my mother expressed some disappointment but she understood where I was coming from.  I was so grateful and thankful for the amicable joint custody situation that my parents had with the flexibility to see each one when I lived with the other one.

And I think that the amicable and flexible joint custody arrangement, prevented and reduced stress and anxiety and potential stress.

While I appreciated my mother's gesture then,  I came to appreciate it even more over the years as I've thought or reflected about it.  I've also gained another perspective or insight when I wrote a paper in grad school about Kwame.  When I read  Sally Bermanzohn's interview with Kwame in her book, From the Sixties to the Greensboro Massacre, I was thinking about our experiences in the context of race and class.  Kwame is about 1 year younger than me.

While, I feel like my struggles were real and valid there was a sense of privilege because I was in a situation or position in which I had options.   And I could choose the better option that met my needs & wants at the time.  And all these things, decisions and choices that other people interact with effect or have impact on our lives for the future and those around us.

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