1 min read
03 Dec

©    Written and Edited - April 30th 2017 - 1:34 pm to 2:10 pm

Now You Tell Me

I remember being at the funeral home for Jim, Bill, Cesar, Sandy, and Mike.  Although, I don't remember if Sandy was in her home (South Carolina?) at that point.

I wanted to pay my respects to everyone.  I had a lot to say and especially and more to Jim and Bill.

I saw Jim laying there in his coffin.  One thing that struck me was his appearance.  While he wasn't too disheveled, dirty, etc. when he was alive, his appearance was well kept.  In a way it might have been eery. There was something about the presence of his well kept appearance contrasted with life and I felt the absence of his life.

The only other time that I saw him that well kept, was when he married my mother.  His clothes were neat.  His beard and nails were trimmed and neat in his coffin.

My memory serves that I stood close by and facing him while I said my peace.  I don't remember what I said.  But, I just spoke from what I was thinking and feeling at that moment.  If I remember correctly, I was also conflicted because I wanted to pay my respects to everyone.  But, I had so much to say to Jim.  So, I just went with my thoughts and feelings.  Then, I stopped talking to Jim because I finished saying my peace for the moment.

Right after I stopped talking, I saw my sister standing near me.  I felt like she had just come in, but I don't know when she came in.  My sister said, "you know, you don't have to talk out loud, he can hear you if you talk in your mind."  And I thought and maybe said, "now you tell me."

I felt self conscious and embarrassed.  When I was saying my peace to Jim, I was focused on him.  But when my sister said what she did, I felt my attention going to me and what I was doing.  When I was talking with or to Jim, I went with a certain spirit or feeling focusing on him and our relationship.

I think that my next priority was to say my peace to Bill.  So, I went to Bill after being with Jim.

After being with Bill, I think that I tried to pay my respects to Mike, Cesar, and Sandy if she was there.

My conversation with Jim and other funeral home visits, is another example of how people know what we want and need for ourselves.  I didn't receive my processing at a cognitive level, but more of an emotional, spiritual and mental aspects.  I did what I needed.  I don't remember anyone stepping in one way or another.  If they did, people's presence and/or absence didn't get in the way and/ or gave me space, etc.  to be how I needed to be.

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