© Written and Edited - May 3rd, 2017 - 6:24 pm to 6:35 pm
Edited - May 20th, 2017 - 9:25 am to 10:05 am
May 21st, 2017 - 12:27 pm to 12:33 pm
Edited - May 22nd - 2017 - 2:37 pm to 2:49 pm
Secret Santa Has A Gun
When I was living at the Residential College, Mary Foust, during one Christmas, I was one of the people who participated in Secret Santa. I think that I hesitated when students were invited, but I decided to participate. I don't think I felt strongly one way or another about it. But I think that I got talked into it. I think that I was kind of leaning towards not participating. But at one point I guess I saw a lot of other people doing it so I thought what the hell?
So my Secret Santa gave me one thing after another. A little bit one day and a little bit the next, like a button. Anyway they were separate but after a while I started to see a pattern. All the items that my Secret Santa gave me had something to do with guns and it freaked me out. For a while I was caught up more and more emotionally and I didn't know what to do. I think that I went back and forth in my mind between thinking that it wasn't a big deal and it was. I was frustrated, angry and confused because I don't like guns. They reminded me of November 3rd and I also thought of all places it seems strange and foreign that this would happen at Mary Foust a residential college and very humane space. A learning space that was established and continues with a certain ethical level or dynamic.
The whole Secret Santa was about a week or two. And by the time I kind of gained my composure a helpful idea occurred to me. I thought that I didn't know who my secret Santa was so I couldn't find them directly. But, maybe I could post or put a note on the community board for them. I could let them know my thoughts and feelings. But I felt like it was too late to do that at this point because it was a few days before their identity would be revealed. So I'll just wait it out.
I was angry and frustrated and I wanted to tell my Secret Santa what I was thinking and feeling. I wanted him or her to stop and I wanted them to know where I was coming from, that's it. But since it was a Secret Santa I didn't know who to talk with.
By the time I kind of gained my composure it was about a day from being revealed.
So I kind of gathered myself and told myself, "well I'll just bear with it for a couple of days and then I'll find out who it is".
Since I didn't know my secret Santa, I didn't know what they knew about me, I didn't know them, and I didn't know how they'd respond.
I didn't know what my secret Santa's thoughts, feelings, and intentions were. Did they know about me? If so, was it malicious? Did they not know about me? Would they be understanding when I talked to them? Would they apologize and act accordingly after I talked to them? Would they heighten the experience by giving and haunting me more things with a gun theme? Would they say I'm sorry, I understand better now. Would they say, I know about you and that's why I did it. Is it general taunting? Specific to November 3rd? Social, political?
When the Secret Santas were revealed I learned that mine was Chuck Upchurch.
To this day I just want the truth. I want to talk to him and find out what was going on. I went to a Mary Foust reunion a few years ago and asked someone about Chuck. I got an update about what he's doing. I think they said that he's teaching history. I asked in a generic way because I didn't want to let on what I was thinking and feeling. Because I want to talk to Chuck directly and just find out his honest response, whatever that honest truth is. So I don't know if I'll ever get a chance to talk to Chuck or not. But it would be nice to talk with him. I just want to know the honest truth, preferably from him directly. But, ideally, it would be nice to get the honest truth from Chuck and everyone else from their perspective. So that I could put the pieces together and understand the situation more wholistically.