© April 13th, 2017
The universe can't do nothing to me
Written - 4/13/17 - 4:07 pm to 5:12 pm
Written - 4/13/17 - 5:28 pm to 5:36 pm
Edited - April 21st, 2017 - 2:26 pm to 4:57 pm
The Universe Can't Do Nothin' to Me
I have a vague memory when I was with others, standing with others as we buried a group of 5 people, 2 of whom I got to care about (Jim and Bill). I think that it was Sunday November 11th at the funeral march. I was 11 1/2 years old.
The main thing that I remember, is an overall feeling. There was something about burying loved ones, in that context that gave me a perspective on life. A thought came to mind, "the universe can't do nothin' to me." Nothing can get me in life in the future.
Since November 3rd was violent, sudden, and I was just a kid, that it felt like there was nothing that the Universe could do to me at that point to hurt me. The closest thing that I thought about that might come close, would be, God forbid losing my mother.
In a way, that thought in that moment was one of the most peaceful times in my life. Because I thought that there was no part of my future that could compare to the hurt and pain, anxiety, fear etc. of November 3rd. I had a feeling that I could face anything moving forward. Nothing in my future could compare to November 3rd.
Later, as an adult I found myself expressing anger, frustration, fear etc. on and off over the years. I think the range of emotion just felt more naturally in my life so I didn't think about it in certain terms for a long time, at least not consciously.
But during the last few years when I faced a transition, challenges with with getting a job, having shelter, having transportation and getting knocked around by the systems that are supposed to help me I became more immersed in my feelings of anger, frustration, etc. I was having problems trying to meet my basic needs.
At one point, during the last few years, I remembered standing at the cemetery and my thought about my future. So I wondered about what was happening. I thought about the different elements or aspects of what was going on in my present and past and as it relates to my future. I put myself down. I thought that I should know better because I had my experience at the cemetery as a reference. I thought, what's wrong with me? But after several times of putting myself down, I came back to a thought that helps me sometimes What's the universe trying to tell or teach me? What's going on? I thought about as many relevant pieces that I could think of to put as much as I could on the table and make sense out of it. I remembered something that I've said to others before. We act in the context of our culture. People can see us through a lens of acting individually and other experiences being separate or we can see patterns as part of acting and being in the context of a collective culture and experiences being connected to other people, ways of being, etc. So, I remembered that thought and applied it to myself.
So, it occurred to me, that since there are other factors, what were my other experiences that shifted my peaceful place? How oppressive were these other experiences, that they shifted my peaceful state to one of great anxiety and stress? Trying to meet my needs with systems that say they're helpful, but continue the systematic oppressive dynamics. And if things were really set up in kosher ways, we wouldn't get knocked down in the first place.
Ideally, we'd have that peaceful state, throughout our life journeys. That peaceful state would be maintained through nurturing peaceful places and not violence, harm, hurt, etc. As I think about it more, on the one hand, I don't want the hurt and violence to continue. But, my peaceful feeling came in the context of violence and my experience of that at that point in my life. Maybe, we can stop violence now and for the future and draw on and reference violence in the past, as a way to get to a peaceful place. Unfortunately, there's plenty of violence to draw from and connect with. And while I don't want harm to come to anyone, maybe if we can reference harm or violence that's been done to us and/or loved ones, we might find a source of peaceful thoughts, feelings, and actions with ourselves and/or others in the future. It depends on how we relate to parts of our journeys at any given moment in time. I believe that people know what we want and need. We can also find ourselves in various other states of mind, body, and spirit, in the short term and long term.
So, it's up to people what we do with our own journeys. But, I just wanted to share and express that experience in my journey. And hopefully, we can reference it along with others to nurture, cultivate, and reclaim our naturally peaceful ways of being.
Another Copy to Review and delete if duplicate
Written and Edited - April 21st, 2017 - 2:26 pm to 4:57 pm
There's Nothing the Universe Can do to Me
Written - 4/13/17 - 4:07 pm to 5:12 pm
I have a vague memory when I was with others, standing with others as we buried a group of 5 people, 2 of whom I got to care about (Jim and Bill). I think that it was Sunday November 11th at the funeral march. I was 11 1/2 years old.
The main thing that I remember, is an overall feeling. There was something about burying loved ones, in that context that gave me a perspective on life. A thought came to mind, "the universe can't do nothin' to me." Nothing can get me in life in the future.
Since November 3rd was violent, sudden, and I was just a kid, that it felt like there was nothing that the Universe could do to me at that point to hurt me. The closest thing that I thought about that might come close, would be, God forbid losing my mother.
In a way, that thought in that moment was one of the most peaceful times in my life. Because I thought that there was no part of my future that could compare to the hurt and pain, anxiety, fear etc. of November 3rd. I had a feeling that I could face anything moving forward. Nothing in my future could compare to November 3rd.
Later, as an adult I found myself expressing anger, frustration, fear etc. on and off over the years. I think the range of emotion just felt more naturally in my life so I didn't think about it in certain terms for a long time, at least not consciously.
But during the last few years when I faced a transition, challenges with with getting a job, having shelter, having transportation and getting knocked around by the systems that are supposed to help me I became more immersed in my feelings of anger, frustration, etc. I was having problems trying to meet my basic needs.
At one point, during the last few years, I remembered standing at the cemetery and my thought about my future. So I wondered about what was happening. I thought about the different elements or aspects of what was going on in my present and past and as it relates to my future. I put myself down. I thought that I should know better because I had my experience at the cemetery as a reference. I thought, what's wrong with me? But after several times of putting myself down, I came back to a thought that helps me sometimes What's the universe trying to tell or teach me? What's going on? I thought about as many relevant pieces that I could think of to put as much as I could on the table and make sense out of it. I remembered something that I've said to others before. We act in the context of our culture. People can see us through a lens of acting individually and other experiences being separate or we can see patterns as part of acting and being in the context of a collective culture and experiences being connected to other people, ways of being, etc. So, I remembered that thought and applied it to myself.
So, it occurred to me, that since there are other factors, what were my other experiences that shifted my peaceful place? How oppressive were these other experiences, that they shifted my peaceful state to one of great anxiety and stress? Trying to meet my needs with systems that say they're helpful, but continue the systematic oppressive dynamics. And if things were really set up in kosher ways, we wouldn't get knocked down in the first place.
Ideally, we'd have that peaceful state, throughout our life journeys. That peaceful state would be maintained through nurturing peaceful places and not violence, harm, hurt, etc. As I think about it more, on the one hand, I don't want the hurt and violence to continue. But, my peaceful feeling came in the context of violence and my experience of that at that point in my life. Maybe, we can stop violence now and for the future and draw on and reference violence in the past, as a way to get to a peaceful place. Unfortunately, there's plenty of violence to draw from and connect with. And while I don't want harm to come to anyone, maybe if we can reference harm or violence that's been done to us and/or loved ones, we might find a source of peaceful thoughts, feelings, and actions with ourselves and/or others in the future. It depends on how we relate to parts of our journeys at any given moment in time. I believe that people know what we want and need. We can also find ourselves in various other states of mind, body, and spirit, in the short term and long term.
So, it's up to people what we do with our own journeys. But, I just wanted to share and express that experience in my journey. And hopefully, we can reference it along with others to nurture, cultivate, and reclaim our naturally peaceful ways of being.
Relevant Notes
Written - April 13th, 2017 - 5:28 pm to 5:36 pm
There's Nothing the Universe Can do to Me
11/2 at cemetery lost 2 people that I cared about in the context of November 3rd
sudden, violent, just a kid, lost 2 people that I cared about
there's nothing that the universe can give me that I cant' handle, except god forbid losing my mother