© Written - April 14th, 2017 - at about 12:50 pm - 2:19 pm to 3:50 pm
I had a lot of technical problems writing this piece with losing information, having to write it again. I also had to do a lot of editing because there were a lot of typos.
Yo Yo Me
Right after November 3rd, my mother sister and I, stayed at Oaks Motel for a period of time. My maternal grandparents came down from New York or New Jersey New York or immediately to support us.
We didn't know if anything else was coming and our house was a was a headquarters. I found myself playing with my Yo Yo. I was mesmerized by it and played with it continuously. I didn't think about anything formally, like therapy or healing. I just followed and did what I needed to do. Later my mother reminded me that Jim had given me the Yo Yo which I think was another healing aspect, a way of connecting with Jim. I played with it so continuously, that it got on my sisters nerves. She asked me several times to stop. I think that she said that it was getting on her nerves and to please stop, but I didn't. After asking me several times to stop and my not stopping, my sister told my grandmother what was happening. I don't remember my exact response. I think that I was hesitant, but I either played with my Yo Yo less or stopped completely.
About 20 years later, I found myself engaged in a EMDR a way to reprocess a trauma. Looking back, I see a connection between EMDR and my playing with my Yo Yo. Both of them those experiences have similar elements, focus, moving the eyes back and forth. I just followed what I needed to do. That's one of many examples that I can reference in my journey that relates to me doing what I needed to do instinctually. Sometimes I think that we always know what we want or need and sometimes, we have the words and sometimes we don't but we can express them in different ways.
I don't know how my sister relates to that expereince3 now and for me it’s about meeting everyone’s needs. So for me I’m glad that I did what I needed to try to heal my trauma. My sister might have even forgotten about that experiences. But the Jewish guilt runs deep. So now, 37 years later, I feel bad that my processing experience got on her nerves so, I want to tell her that I’m sorry.